Thursday, July 30, 2009

writings of the self

i have allowed myself to feel a certain way as of yesterday while at work. i percieved that my co-worker was acting differently and i again felt this sence of irritability that then created what seemed like a train of thought in where i would percieve events that have been taking place in my life. i also nottice that i feel more tired when at work and that i tend to want to yawn alot but yawning is something that i stop when the feeling emerges and sometimes even yawning i wonder if i am stopping correctly because even though i dont inhale i feel the yawn inside my chest(yawning is a way of pushing back what you do not want to realize).

in the moment when i catch myself finding myself being directed by thoughts such as becoming irritable at something or someone i will stop myself because if not then i am only creating excuses i realize this. this is the only way that i can prove myself self trust to myself so that i may be clear from "finding things" to entertain myself with so to speak. from this approach of finding things i am going to correct and direct the situation that i become when i fail to realize that for myself i stop and consider what i am doing and how i am altaring myself and preventing myself as the breathe.

i am going to go into what happened actually that made me feel irritable because then i will be missing the point. i began to feel not myself when i was ringing up a customer and i became what i percieved myself as as my presentation tpwards the customer and rather it was quite forceful in a way. i would say this is an urge to just continue with stepping into a construct of myself without no consideration. while at work i have allowed myself to be seenas going through a process of some sort some while back and i had not been at work for some while too. while working i did not feel any urge to talk really but i did catch myself thinking about what it is that i want to talk about. for this i have been not ignoring as i have before and suppressing myself in where i dont consider that the thoughts that i am having can be just as effective in realizing self if spoken about or written down. so i have shared insight on my thoughts that i was having in the moment with my co-worker but also have caught myself with feeling the urge to be seen as a situation as talking around and whatnot.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not consider myself as life as what i am accepting and allowing in the moment to influence me.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel irritable while percieving myself as becoming indifferent to myself and allwoing myself to be seperate from me.

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