i woke up late today and it was been a day of life. what i am seeing is that life is as i am and so that is how me make and create life all around and everyday. i have not been feeling any certain way lately and i have been here as the breathe much consistantly as i am no longer attacking life as i am. and so the breathe is here and there is not that "sence of incompleteness that i have allowed myself to feel. not too much interaction with the family today but overall i have only gone out to get some food and while doing so encountered interaction. i felt relaxed and here as i entered the restaurant and i didnt feel any certain way at all but i was calm. i did think though that when i had talked to the cashier that my head had gone back as i talked to him and at first i didnt think much but when i had left i associated myself with the thought of being a "gangster", "authority of some sort" as i had rememebred a look someone once gave me that i had associated this with. and so i put myself under this compromise as what i wanted to be seen as in the moment and i felt good.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to be seen under a specific way as such as a "gangster" and all that it entails as a figure of authorirt, looking cool through to people as such with communication.
other than this i have been talking to a female on the phone and i enjoy talking to her but sometimes it feels as if when we talk it is strained. i feel that she is very self honest and that together we are helping each other and stuff. we talk about whatever comes up in the moment but we also go over the past and what were seeing. i find myself not holding back though when i feel that she is bringing up what i call "bullshit" as its mostly imaginary or ill laugh sometimes at her believes and whatnot. mostly though everything is very comfortable between us which is something that i very much enjoy.