Saturday, July 25, 2009

writings of the self

i have just woken up, as i have stayed up for quite some time last night. yesterday i was focusing on self and where i stood and i realized that every time that i stop to completely be here i nottice that i correct that i am not completely here as the breathe. its sometimes weird as in when i do i find different things that i guide myself through wherein as i stopped and did the four count breathe to an extent where eventually i had to face myself through what i was experiancing in the moment and sometimes i can find resistance through this in a way where you dont really want to continue as the breathe and your mind goes off of where here is and attempts to avoid here through these resistances. the thing is that they can seem so real when you resist as if your not breathing properly but its more of a resistance and i feel it in my face as it feels different like a pressure and you wonder if this is the right way to breathe and so i had to do the 4 count breathe through this as well and so even now as i woke up i am feeling a bit maybe down or something as i continue breathing and maybe its because i realize that i have to will myself in every moment as the breathe and so alot of my desire to "become" self is realized in the moment because it actually takes stopping all and just being here as the breathe.

stopping the mind has to be complete and there cannot be any mind movement and that is what i sometimes experiance throughout my days and sometimes it can be most prominant when i am talking to people but i see that it is all the same thing just at a lesser extent. i have revolved around self judgement, self comparement self invalidation, self pity, frustration, sorrow, and in turn self hate for quite some while and as i now realize when it happens i am aware to stop myself in the moment and i do feel the shift of transition when talking to people in where iit comes to a point where i am no longer enjoying myelf in the moment as self expression and it almost feels like im stopping myself from self expression and i feel the pressure in face as well. what happens is that in the moment i express myself an i enjoy it so much but then its like i hesistate but i see what i want to say its all of me but sometimes even though i see it it doesnt come out. almost as if i lose it but as i have pushed through this it has been as i just say what i have to say even though it wasnt in the moment as where i was letting myself free through my words i still push through when this occurs and say what i have to say.

i will focus much more on myself rather lets say feeling as if i have to do something to get others up and about and seeing themselves. wheather i am being effective or not will only be shown in time but that is not what self is. i can test myself through others to see what it is that i accept and allow with myself in regards to others but ultimately self is ehre in all ways and i cannot deny myself. no matter how difficultit may seem to be here as the breathe in the moment i will push through as self because for myself i have to see exactly why i am not allowing myself to feel complete, here as the breathe. and so its a process of self remaining self as life to see whats real.

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