Wednesday, July 22, 2009

writings of the self

it has been that i have encountered something that i had not taken into account for in the moment and now that i have been applying myself as the breathe i realized that i had began to alter myself in the face of my step-father.
it happened as i was breathing and so it was like a "woah" what this? i am reacting and it is very altaring. i began to feel as though i have to defend myself and not feel myself because he is there. i felt less than him and threatened by his "presence" because of my lack of self trust through the placement of his representation and how i have many systems towards this.
i had thrown my self trust away when i was younger because of him as i percieved this to be so. i had placed trust outside of myself with him and i began to accept and allow his own abuse. i have never actually corrected this as it is something that i can see is still very much here. well i am breathing through it as self corrective application through the moment in where i saw him and throughout the day but also i have caught myself not wanting a confrontation with him. i attempt to avoid him through waiting to go to the kitchen or the bathroom as when i wazs younger i was taught to never be in his presence. even so how i have reacted to his is to cover it up with the presentation that i am more than him and he is nothing as i present myself as confidant and passed all that i was before through my own self accomplishments.
it has occured that i have thought about if i could ever stop this which i have created myself to belief as when i thought if i could ever maybe be equal as life to him like maybe hold his hand in acceptance. something that i should be considering why i am reacting with these thoughts? i am not standing up in this way. i will continue breathing through this and standing up in the moment as the breathe to not see myself as less than anyone, less than myself.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create the dellusion that i am apparently holding on to this image of myself with my step-father that i cannot be myself as life because i feel threatened and uncomfortable because of him.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not have held self resposability ofr myself in terms of what i accept and allow for myself as this reality.

i forgove myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel less than because of the past believes that i have of myself in accordance to my step-father.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not take the initiative to be equal and one with this man so that we may no longer accept abuse and control.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire control for seeing myself as less than other.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel inadequate with males that i see that are assertive looking and that i must present myself as more than in order to not be seen as less than.

1 comment:

  1. A perspective that might assist, its written by mykey as a reply to Fred Cheung:

    http://desteni.co.za/forum/viewtopic?=98&t=13282

    Question 4, about beings placing as yourself.

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