Tuesday, July 14, 2009
writings of the self
i spent alot of yesterday at home but i did go out with my family. i went out with my mother and my sisters. we talked as i enjoy talking with my sisters and also with my mother but my mother mostly usually doesnt want to hear what i have to say. she attacks me with her own opinions on life and whatnot. as for my sisters they can be very open minded and ask many questions but the older one keep repeating the same time loops and enjoys this. yesterday i expressed myself to her in the way of my experiance and how i honestly see everything that has been going on through my own eyes not expecting out of her and later on she revealed to me that she didnt care in the moment of my expression as she didnt take into consideration what i had said. im making sure not to blame her or treat her any different than as my equal still and also taking into consideration any reactions that i will/might have towards her. as for my younger sister she enjoys the moment alot and i enjoy her self expression. shes very active and enjoys being creative and i have assisted her alot i feel. anger for her is something that is shared among the family. my mother is changing or attempting to change but shes changing to the design of her opinion. as i laid down yesterday, i breathed solely and let go of everything and i realized that i must focus on self as for my mother she must to i cannot force her to do anything or be anything. honestly i must continue to realize self as nothing of being external and outside of me and be here as me even as i sometimes may not want to.