Saturday, July 18, 2009

writings of the self

today i found very interesting because i experianced the silence of the mind. just here as the breathe with the absolute certain that is here. i walked around a bit and this show me alot of what im actually doing here in the physical can be what im manifesting as the mental. so i just remained here with within the breathe. more on what i saw in people eyes today is that while i was walking with my dog as well i saw a group of people and i remained here and i walked past them and they said "whats the dogs name" and i was here listening to the voices while being here and i replyed "pompa!" as i looked back and i saw a kind of like yeah look. the eyes were squinty like they knew what they were doing as in what i thought was to check if i was here. and i smiled at them and we all smiled together as i looked at eachs eyes and then i continued to walk. i have spent most of my day communicating with people and mostly they are female. what i am and have been directing is any thoughts on females and so im directing myself here as expression and not as desire and i have differentiated it as well. with a desire it appears in front of me as something that is not directly here in the moment as its happening. this has been something that i have been doing as it happens in the moment of correction. well something did happen to put me from the breathe to and as thought chains that occured. it happened because i descided to go out with a female and i was directing here as the breathe but as we departed i left thinking about how "cool" she is. this i suppose happened when i saw her laugh and it was expressive and i for a moment as it happened i saw it in my mind happened and i altered myself and smiled. so it happened in real time but i slowed evertyhing down just to hold that memory of that smile for myself to "enjoy" and to make an image about for myself. and i realize that to me people took this into account because i saw witnesses almost as if they are upholders. and i realize this as happening but i never take it into consideration becausse its something that i have just gotten used to over time. but this being said i am not accepting the moment because to self define myself to the moment is selfishness and so i no longer am life but a fragment of life.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to uphold my own personal needs that i can fullfill if i so wished because of not wanting to continue with process for myself.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not unconditionally be here all around everywhere here as myself no matter what.

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