Wednesday, July 15, 2009
follow up on comment 2
then there is my grandmother which is the mother of my mother. ive always been found of this women as she has always accepted me in ways where i have felt very comfortable around her, it seemed as if she were my real mother to me. i have seen her differently as i have been visiting her house more since i was alot younger. i have seen her and i feel as if she acts very young in a way. i enjoy talking to ehr very much, as when i was younger she would tell me all kinds of storys that were her experiances and she has told me many things that she would not have told others but i think this is through acceptances of ourselves. i tell her alot of what ive been going through and i am honest about most of it. and you know i still allow myself to be unsure of myself at times when im talking as for example a time with my grandmother where i didnt know if i should talk or not talk because im not sure if im going to be effective with myself and what exactly is the reason that im doing something and saying something. the solution to this i see as being stopping by and as the breathe but as it continues i see myself letting go of this image that makes me become like this but yet still it lives as me so something msut be going on. from here i can see that the only image that this is is exsistant within me when im actually living it becaus ei am not seperate from it therefore actually as effective as i am. to go into detail abut why is it that i cant find myself the will to actually let go of all and become as as the breathe iw oudl ahve to say that it is the desires that i allow to take over that prevent that oneess of all. because if it were not for that desire to contoinue to exsist within these train of thoughts that makes me i would nto exsist as those thoughts. and so i find myself in a mind fuck up where im just not having the balls to actually live here as i am. because of this i find the excuse to blame myself for not being effective enough with myself asides other exscuses that linger within me but that i dont go into.