Friday, July 31, 2009

writings of the self

pushing through every moment as the breathe seems as a constant thing as i still allow myself to slip on my own terms with the "ill get to it" mode popping in as i am and so i live as this. i am not attacking myself for this, no i will not accept and allow this as who i am but thoughts are occuring as they do as they project as life takes form. very smoothly and gently have i been stopping myself from definition as all life that i have taken and within this expression is flowing forth as i reveal myself and open up.

i enjoy speaking with a female being in particular so very much. i talk with her every day and i express in the moment to her what is going on and together we allow ourselves to be free from the perspective that there are no conditions that we put against each other but it is simply a matter of self honesty with ourselves and i have tooken the initiative to say myself as self honesty even when i have tooken stuff personally from my perceptions and from there on i continue being self honest. she is changing i see that she is letting go slowly but surely of this story that she has known and i have enjoyed so much listening to her expression as also i have enjoyed her when she has attempted to resist.

from this point of resistance i have not taken it personally in where i would transform myself through my own desires it has been something in where she is seeing for herself what self is and realizing in her own words what is going on and this is something that also i am assisting her with through my own insight and placing her as myself as one. thoughts have been occuring throughout yesterday of her but it has been about what i am seeing from her and what is going on from the perspective of what i am seeing. this will happen and then i realize and stop as the breath but also then this has led me to thinking about other stuff which has to do with my own personal life as i have percieved as. forgiveness has been said outloud for this and what i have forgiven myself is for this:

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not apply myself when i am the mind as perceptions as seeing that i must reveal me to myself.

i forgive myself for acccepting and allowing myself to as the mind not want to see the real effectiveness as the living word as forgiveness said outloud.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to step out of the mind completely and stand as all as one as life.

Thursday, July 30, 2009

writings of the self

i have allowed myself to feel a certain way as of yesterday while at work. i percieved that my co-worker was acting differently and i again felt this sence of irritability that then created what seemed like a train of thought in where i would percieve events that have been taking place in my life. i also nottice that i feel more tired when at work and that i tend to want to yawn alot but yawning is something that i stop when the feeling emerges and sometimes even yawning i wonder if i am stopping correctly because even though i dont inhale i feel the yawn inside my chest(yawning is a way of pushing back what you do not want to realize).

in the moment when i catch myself finding myself being directed by thoughts such as becoming irritable at something or someone i will stop myself because if not then i am only creating excuses i realize this. this is the only way that i can prove myself self trust to myself so that i may be clear from "finding things" to entertain myself with so to speak. from this approach of finding things i am going to correct and direct the situation that i become when i fail to realize that for myself i stop and consider what i am doing and how i am altaring myself and preventing myself as the breathe.

i am going to go into what happened actually that made me feel irritable because then i will be missing the point. i began to feel not myself when i was ringing up a customer and i became what i percieved myself as as my presentation tpwards the customer and rather it was quite forceful in a way. i would say this is an urge to just continue with stepping into a construct of myself without no consideration. while at work i have allowed myself to be seenas going through a process of some sort some while back and i had not been at work for some while too. while working i did not feel any urge to talk really but i did catch myself thinking about what it is that i want to talk about. for this i have been not ignoring as i have before and suppressing myself in where i dont consider that the thoughts that i am having can be just as effective in realizing self if spoken about or written down. so i have shared insight on my thoughts that i was having in the moment with my co-worker but also have caught myself with feeling the urge to be seen as a situation as talking around and whatnot.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not consider myself as life as what i am accepting and allowing in the moment to influence me.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel irritable while percieving myself as becoming indifferent to myself and allwoing myself to be seperate from me.

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

writings of the self

i have woken up recently, no effort and swiftly but gently. my dream involved me being with my cousin for quite some time. i remember being at my elemantary school and that we were hanging out at a hill with forest plants and we were doing stuff with more people. authorities came and we eventually walked away but there was some people who had been taken but i was without notice. i was over at the car with my cousin and we were waiting for everyone to show up but eventually y cousins started up the car and we were off. we were going through the highway and i remember that i was holding unto my chair and that my chair moved and rotated equivalent to the road, it was linked in a way. my cousin was aware of this as she was driving but eventually i calmed down and began to face the front as i let go of the chair. we eventually reached a supermarket in a place unknown but it was a view that looked like a mall entrance and we got out of the car. i lost my cousin somewhere in the supermarket and i tryed looking for her with no sucess. i ended seeing this guy with a mask and we greeted each other recognizing that we are here and i think i tapped him on the back. before i woke up i remember wanting coca-cola from the super market but that i didnt know if i should take the regular flavored or vanilla coke and so i ended up just taking both.

before i fell asleep last night i layed down on the sofa and i willed myself to moment by moment breathe by breathe slow down. with the will it not a matter of pressure just self trust to move myself to do this and i relaxed myself in this way, in fact i had been doing this for quite some time as i remember dazing out and realizing that much time had passed but that i was still here as the breathe. and so it was a pleasant wake up from this. still although i have been going through the day realize when it is that i am not here as the breathe this has been my days and how im living and i will continue to realize myself as the breathe but i must admit sometimes i feel as if it is something to become or something like that. it is not horrific in terms of attacking myself violantly and with no regards towards myself but i would call it almost as an irritability that i experiance.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

writings of the self

i woke up late today and it was been a day of life. what i am seeing is that life is as i am and so that is how me make and create life all around and everyday. i have not been feeling any certain way lately and i have been here as the breathe much consistantly as i am no longer attacking life as i am. and so the breathe is here and there is not that "sence of incompleteness that i have allowed myself to feel. not too much interaction with the family today but overall i have only gone out to get some food and while doing so encountered interaction. i felt relaxed and here as i entered the restaurant and i didnt feel any certain way at all but i was calm. i did think though that when i had talked to the cashier that my head had gone back as i talked to him and at first i didnt think much but when i had left i associated myself with the thought of being a "gangster", "authority of some sort" as i had rememebred a look someone once gave me that i had associated this with. and so i put myself under this compromise as what i wanted to be seen as in the moment and i felt good.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to be seen under a specific way as such as a "gangster" and all that it entails as a figure of authorirt, looking cool through to people as such with communication.

other than this i have been talking to a female on the phone and i enjoy talking to her but sometimes it feels as if when we talk it is strained. i feel that she is very self honest and that together we are helping each other and stuff. we talk about whatever comes up in the moment but we also go over the past and what were seeing. i find myself not holding back though when i feel that she is bringing up what i call "bullshit" as its mostly imaginary or ill laugh sometimes at her believes and whatnot. mostly though everything is very comfortable between us which is something that i very much enjoy.

Monday, July 27, 2009

writings of the self

i have spent the night speaking with a female that i have known for quite some while. i have found out much about myself while speaking with her and mainly its because what i do just falls back on me because she does the same but we allow ourselves to be ourselves and this is sometimes that i enjoy for the most part but at the same times i have caught myself also thinking about stuff about her which is absolutely not true and that i have many hidden agendas that i allow as i discovered when i told her my hidden agenda that i had believed out of my perception about her as what i was seeing and connecting it together and so it was like the perfect deillusion lol.

i allowed myself to feel incomplete, to feel as if i wasnt being succesful enough with my process and it was so rael what i had been going through because of what she had told me and what i had believed of the situation. after i had told her this, that which i had been going through we talked about it as were getting down to the truth of why we are doing the things were doing and also helping each other by allowing ourselves to feel comfortable all around while we talk and it has gone through that i have noticed that for ehr it is that she also feels uncomfortable telling me some stuff through self judgement of her believes. what i had percieved of the situation that had happened was that she was feeling regret because of the fact that she had told me a truth about herself regarding her boyfriend and i felt as if i was being taken for an illusion of hers but this made me think differently of the situation because then i was being directed by thoughts of myself assuming that she was talking to her boyfriend because i kept hearing this clinking noice which to me sounded like texting and also i percieved that she was acting differently because of the truth of her and so i began to feel differently.

i forgve myself for accepting and allowing myself to feeel differently about myself without even realizing that i have secret agendas as my thoughts that i do not even consider and that even percieving something is of the mind and has to be considered for me to stop the mind.

Saturday, July 25, 2009

writings of the self

i have just woken up, as i have stayed up for quite some time last night. yesterday i was focusing on self and where i stood and i realized that every time that i stop to completely be here i nottice that i correct that i am not completely here as the breathe. its sometimes weird as in when i do i find different things that i guide myself through wherein as i stopped and did the four count breathe to an extent where eventually i had to face myself through what i was experiancing in the moment and sometimes i can find resistance through this in a way where you dont really want to continue as the breathe and your mind goes off of where here is and attempts to avoid here through these resistances. the thing is that they can seem so real when you resist as if your not breathing properly but its more of a resistance and i feel it in my face as it feels different like a pressure and you wonder if this is the right way to breathe and so i had to do the 4 count breathe through this as well and so even now as i woke up i am feeling a bit maybe down or something as i continue breathing and maybe its because i realize that i have to will myself in every moment as the breathe and so alot of my desire to "become" self is realized in the moment because it actually takes stopping all and just being here as the breathe.

stopping the mind has to be complete and there cannot be any mind movement and that is what i sometimes experiance throughout my days and sometimes it can be most prominant when i am talking to people but i see that it is all the same thing just at a lesser extent. i have revolved around self judgement, self comparement self invalidation, self pity, frustration, sorrow, and in turn self hate for quite some while and as i now realize when it happens i am aware to stop myself in the moment and i do feel the shift of transition when talking to people in where iit comes to a point where i am no longer enjoying myelf in the moment as self expression and it almost feels like im stopping myself from self expression and i feel the pressure in face as well. what happens is that in the moment i express myself an i enjoy it so much but then its like i hesistate but i see what i want to say its all of me but sometimes even though i see it it doesnt come out. almost as if i lose it but as i have pushed through this it has been as i just say what i have to say even though it wasnt in the moment as where i was letting myself free through my words i still push through when this occurs and say what i have to say.

i will focus much more on myself rather lets say feeling as if i have to do something to get others up and about and seeing themselves. wheather i am being effective or not will only be shown in time but that is not what self is. i can test myself through others to see what it is that i accept and allow with myself in regards to others but ultimately self is ehre in all ways and i cannot deny myself. no matter how difficultit may seem to be here as the breathe in the moment i will push through as self because for myself i have to see exactly why i am not allowing myself to feel complete, here as the breathe. and so its a process of self remaining self as life to see whats real.

Thursday, July 23, 2009

writings of the self

i have today tryed a different approach with my sisters because i have witnessed something that i hadnt considered quite before. well i had never stood up to this which was what they in the moment are currently accepting and allowing. what i saw was that my sister got angry and that she was hiding this behind her show of contentment and to continue ignoring whats actually happening through continuing life as their presentations of belief and i was not fooled by this as it was happening and i remained here and all of this happened while i began to sing to them about what was going on.
i remained here and sang speaking myself out even though my sisters stated to play but it was a play of self abuse, power and control and i saw it all as it was happening and how they disregared what i had to say because it was their world in where they are seperate from everything else. the playing died down eventually and still i remained here and this really upset my sister because even though she wouldnt show it she knows whats shes accepting and allowing and i let her know directly what was going on. she began to cry but it wasnt real as then she began to laugh but i remained here and continued talking directly about what i was seeing and this is where i began getting to the crynchy stuff as the anger started emerging and this is what i wanted my sister to embrace because she was running from herself as i was telling her through masks of desception and i let her know that if i can see what is ehre then who is she descieving?
eventually it got to the point where the anger was all that remained and i expressed this anger as i showed her how this anger is through me and i asked her talk about it what is it that you are holding that you are filled with all this anger? she began to cry and looked at my other sister and said that "mother" is always looking at her instead and that she is being blamed for setting an example and whatnot. i had not much to say about this but my sister came to terms with her anger and from there i continued to talk to her about considering herself as life as stopping what shes accepting and allowing and i see that my sister only imagines what it means to stop and so in the moment when "mother" came in she began to blam her sister and continue which waas her not considering actually stopping and i corrected her and told her that she is not actually stopping and so my sister continues in these time loops and i also talked to my other sister afterwards as well.
i explained to my other sister that she is not actually standing up for herself as all as one as life because she is not looking for solutions stop stop continuing life as self abuse and that i expressed myself also through this through and as my words as my body as the moment and i saw exactly how she does not consider anything but her own self desires and i let her know. after all this i am here as the breathe realizing still much that i am accepting and allowing and that i stop each and every time that i am ehre as life i stop, no excuses.

a walk to the gas station

today i have met a being named ray. i was walking to the gas station where he was. ray and i, we had alot of reflection within our lives as we spoke about everything that is going on within the world and expressing ourselves. ray is 49 years old as he made this quite as his presentation as what he has become and how he is presenting himself. ray had alot to say, alot to express as ray is here living and seeing all that is because ray is homeless.
ray and i spoke away for quite some while and we were and ray was expressing direct insights into what he has realized. ray realized that he cannot impose his believes and ideas about god and what not and we shared about this as i expressed myself as well as i am here living. i spoked to ray about what is here, waht are believes, what are perceptions and i also let ray know about equality and oness because to ray he could not question god because this was of lucifer and so i told ray. i spoke to ray and told him that seeing what is here ray has to consider all as one as this world and that everyone has their believes that they will fight for and whatnot.
ray realizes much as much of the insight that i told ray he was considering all as his own insight. within explaining to ray that what we create in this reality is what we are currently accepting and from here we can see that all of this shit is fucked up. i told ray that because of believes we are all seperating ourselves from the truth from here. ray saw this all for himself as well but ray did not apply immediately as ray also was under an influence and not only that but he continued about his believes and so forth. within correcting ray every time that ray could not apply himsef to see how he was allowing and that this was what was making everything complex he began to realize what seperation from self actually is.
ray was pretty set upon a saviour coming down from the clouds to save humanity but ray was not resisting what i told him about practical change to stop what is being accepted and allowed in all ways but i did nottice that what i was telling him caused him to react and associate me to lucifer because supposedly if you begin to question then this of lucifer. and so i was looking for practical ways to talk to ray about taking self resposability and not accept excuses any longer because i made ray aware that because were are all here we must consider all equally noone excluded within our participation within this reality and within this i allowed ray to realize that even his own believes must be considered.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

writings of the self

it has been that i have encountered something that i had not taken into account for in the moment and now that i have been applying myself as the breathe i realized that i had began to alter myself in the face of my step-father.
it happened as i was breathing and so it was like a "woah" what this? i am reacting and it is very altaring. i began to feel as though i have to defend myself and not feel myself because he is there. i felt less than him and threatened by his "presence" because of my lack of self trust through the placement of his representation and how i have many systems towards this.
i had thrown my self trust away when i was younger because of him as i percieved this to be so. i had placed trust outside of myself with him and i began to accept and allow his own abuse. i have never actually corrected this as it is something that i can see is still very much here. well i am breathing through it as self corrective application through the moment in where i saw him and throughout the day but also i have caught myself not wanting a confrontation with him. i attempt to avoid him through waiting to go to the kitchen or the bathroom as when i wazs younger i was taught to never be in his presence. even so how i have reacted to his is to cover it up with the presentation that i am more than him and he is nothing as i present myself as confidant and passed all that i was before through my own self accomplishments.
it has occured that i have thought about if i could ever stop this which i have created myself to belief as when i thought if i could ever maybe be equal as life to him like maybe hold his hand in acceptance. something that i should be considering why i am reacting with these thoughts? i am not standing up in this way. i will continue breathing through this and standing up in the moment as the breathe to not see myself as less than anyone, less than myself.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create the dellusion that i am apparently holding on to this image of myself with my step-father that i cannot be myself as life because i feel threatened and uncomfortable because of him.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not have held self resposability ofr myself in terms of what i accept and allow for myself as this reality.

i forgove myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel less than because of the past believes that i have of myself in accordance to my step-father.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not take the initiative to be equal and one with this man so that we may no longer accept abuse and control.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire control for seeing myself as less than other.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel inadequate with males that i see that are assertive looking and that i must present myself as more than in order to not be seen as less than.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

more on my uncle

let me get into more about how i view my uncle because im considering what reginald has said and it has mademe think about my viewing general and seeing myself as less than others. when it comes to my uncle i see him as a person just as all others but i have experianceswith him that i guess are there even though i see what is here. i think that it is that i have not take the iniative to be equal as my uncle and instead dwelled up the past as ive known him thereby placing myself as a past projection. i have begun to see more and more about this of myself and how i project myself as what i want to be seen as within the beliefs of myself as what i have been going through. i also see that those believes were started out as me wanting to prove myself to others as to why i was the way i was. so in this way i begun to seek self validation outside of me and i began to see me seperate from myself. i began to start feeling bad for myself and i accepted and allowed all kinds of abuses to form as i became that projection. it was pretty fucked up all of this and how i accepted and allowed this for so long.

Monday, July 20, 2009

writings of the self

to not be of this world i see that i must remain here allways. i must go into all that i have defined myself as when it comes through friends and family as well. i take my stand as life as myself to not longer delay me from who i am.
i will go into my days as i have been experiancing them. the word touch. touch to me is whats here as in the physical. as i see it touch is power, as to be here is my power that is me. i would define touch as what i have experianced before as touch as everything that is here. because in the touch i would pick up all information from the moment as all that is here, even by just raising my hands in the air. i do though have an association with touch that is of the mind of a belief that i am here as the touch. and what really powers this beliefn is girls and touching them lol. but from where i stand it is just to manipulate them into feeling "good" through the touch and always through points where i find most womenly on the female. i feel overpowered in this way, dominant through this belief.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have created a belief through the touch of being able to control a female through my hands.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have defined myself as touch as being here.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire feeling dominant, more than other as girls, guys that i see as modern people who are into whats going on as more aware, people who back down while waalking and show signs of revertion and passiveness.
i forgive myself for acccepting and allowing myself to have portrayed myself as a dominant gangster while being in a relation with a female and upon the belief perception that females enjoy being seen as less than and being controlled through the feelings and emotions.

Sunday, July 19, 2009

writings of the self

today was a day of difference as i am stopping going into doing stuff and also dreaming away the day as in what is becoming of reality as i create it along with others as is possible. now im doing this by breathing here and at first i fell asleep and i soon woke up. while doing this i continued to just slow down everthing and just breathe here and i realized that being present here breathing is what stops you from "zoning out" and getting sleepy. i will continue to do this and i have been wanting to write in my journal so much of what ive been thinking because i have so much to express so much inside me that i never consider, im always in polarity of what is righ and what is wrong and so i never actually give myself the chance to be here and so im going to correct. lol i never can find a pen in the moment where i pick up my journal and i have something to write but i will do something about this. well this is what i have been doing for myself today because i never take the time to breathe uncondotionally even though im always wanting to do but never actually stopping to be here. also instead making the excuse of not being able to write in my journal i will just write it out here lol.

Saturday, July 18, 2009

writings of the self

today i found very interesting because i experianced the silence of the mind. just here as the breathe with the absolute certain that is here. i walked around a bit and this show me alot of what im actually doing here in the physical can be what im manifesting as the mental. so i just remained here with within the breathe. more on what i saw in people eyes today is that while i was walking with my dog as well i saw a group of people and i remained here and i walked past them and they said "whats the dogs name" and i was here listening to the voices while being here and i replyed "pompa!" as i looked back and i saw a kind of like yeah look. the eyes were squinty like they knew what they were doing as in what i thought was to check if i was here. and i smiled at them and we all smiled together as i looked at eachs eyes and then i continued to walk. i have spent most of my day communicating with people and mostly they are female. what i am and have been directing is any thoughts on females and so im directing myself here as expression and not as desire and i have differentiated it as well. with a desire it appears in front of me as something that is not directly here in the moment as its happening. this has been something that i have been doing as it happens in the moment of correction. well something did happen to put me from the breathe to and as thought chains that occured. it happened because i descided to go out with a female and i was directing here as the breathe but as we departed i left thinking about how "cool" she is. this i suppose happened when i saw her laugh and it was expressive and i for a moment as it happened i saw it in my mind happened and i altered myself and smiled. so it happened in real time but i slowed evertyhing down just to hold that memory of that smile for myself to "enjoy" and to make an image about for myself. and i realize that to me people took this into account because i saw witnesses almost as if they are upholders. and i realize this as happening but i never take it into consideration becausse its something that i have just gotten used to over time. but this being said i am not accepting the moment because to self define myself to the moment is selfishness and so i no longer am life but a fragment of life.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to uphold my own personal needs that i can fullfill if i so wished because of not wanting to continue with process for myself.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not unconditionally be here all around everywhere here as myself no matter what.

on when i exchange looks with people

always for me i have been placing myself in a position of direction for me and the world. and so i look at people and sometimes i dont. i look at people as they are me as all as being here. in specific when i can look at some people in my direct sphere of influence i now nottice that i will do it when the moment requires of it as when it is deemed so that we "must". because when i walk or lets say i am on the bus then i do not look people directly and on that situation i have been beinghere without judgement of myself on how i should be presented. still on this people is something that, when i dont place myself seperate from me then they are here and we are all here. as for looking at people there is alot of communication for both, alot of intamacy. it has happened recently that i would look at the actual design of the eyes but immediately it came back to looking at another as we were conversating in the moment as the moment. to get more specific on this, i see that we realize that we are all here and that we are all thats here and are directly responseable for ourselves that is what i see in others eyes. when people look into my eyes it is when i choose to look into theirs. because as i am i go about here and the moment flows and everything in the moment that involves other human beings observe. i direct the moment and then when people look into my eyes something they revert or get excited or expect. it has been a while since i have gotten an angry look from looking into peoples eyes. what i enjoy when i see others look into my eyes is expression as themselves because i enjoy it in the moment.

Friday, July 17, 2009

writings of the self

assisiting myself in being more directive in my world. in the moment i realize everything that im accepting and allowing and soemtimes it just doesnt feel comfortable like for example when i went to mcdonalds i realized that i didnt stand here as. this made me feel pressured and in turn i was not here as directive. i notticed that looking at people and desciding where to look became a problem, how to be what to do and in many ways i can relate to viktor from desteni forums. i remember attempting to breathe and be here in that moment but the pressure was there in my face and i didnt allow myself to relax and be here and i now realize that this can happen through man times in my day. fear of self eexpression, seeing myself as not worthy or valid enough to be myself for all and everything that i am.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to in the moment not realize and correct when it is that i am not here as the breathe.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see myself as valod enough to take myself and all that i am into consideration.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge me in self hate of myself in spite of myself.

Thursday, July 16, 2009

writings of the self

when it comes to expressing myself i do and i also realize that i am stopping self abuse. i was talking to a girl over the phone just now and i was enjoying myself expressing me but it went towards a different direction. i was being told that there was so much to me that i was "holding back" and that "i have to live". i did consider this as living in the moment as the moment as breathe. as she kept ranting about anger and how you must live out anger because its a natural thing and that we cannot hold it in i told her that we can correct when we feel anger in the moment to see what is behind it. that we must stop allowing anger to direct us because it is not who we really are. she kept trying to get onto something assuming that im not living enough, having enough fun. that i have to let go because that is what she at one point thought that that is what i once had told her and that she had changed. what i will do now is not to hold on to this moment but to breathe here unconditionally, thought i would write it down.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

follow up on comment 2

then there is my grandmother which is the mother of my mother. ive always been found of this women as she has always accepted me in ways where i have felt very comfortable around her, it seemed as if she were my real mother to me. i have seen her differently as i have been visiting her house more since i was alot younger. i have seen her and i feel as if she acts very young in a way. i enjoy talking to ehr very much, as when i was younger she would tell me all kinds of storys that were her experiances and she has told me many things that she would not have told others but i think this is through acceptances of ourselves. i tell her alot of what ive been going through and i am honest about most of it. and you know i still allow myself to be unsure of myself at times when im talking as for example a time with my grandmother where i didnt know if i should talk or not talk because im not sure if im going to be effective with myself and what exactly is the reason that im doing something and saying something. the solution to this i see as being stopping by and as the breathe but as it continues i see myself letting go of this image that makes me become like this but yet still it lives as me so something msut be going on. from here i can see that the only image that this is is exsistant within me when im actually living it becaus ei am not seperate from it therefore actually as effective as i am. to go into detail abut why is it that i cant find myself the will to actually let go of all and become as as the breathe iw oudl ahve to say that it is the desires that i allow to take over that prevent that oneess of all. because if it were not for that desire to contoinue to exsist within these train of thoughts that makes me i would nto exsist as those thoughts. and so i find myself in a mind fuck up where im just not having the balls to actually live here as i am. because of this i find the excuse to blame myself for not being effective enough with myself asides other exscuses that linger within me but that i dont go into.

writings of the self

after discussing with my family my views on them i cant say that im being too effective with myself because im still holding on too bullshit like self abuse and self creation as emotions and feelings that make me. i keep thinking that i have to go somewhere and not only that but im finding myself looking for entertainment through people through and as my mind. i know one thing though i know that i can be here as the breathe unconditionally but i only get so far because i elt go when i want to allow desires within me to exsist and so i beat around the bush sometimes for days and it goes on like this even though in this moment i can stop unconditionaly and still be here with me without that which i was believing to be undergoing. i will continue to be here as the breathe without judgements about myself and how effective i can be and stop all exsuses because they are actually getting me nowhere. its not about my family, its not about people that i know at all. its not about waiting for anything to happen or for myself to lose myself completely before i actually get tired of the bullshit and stand up once and for all.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see the effectiveness in the self standup that i am.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want escapes through picture images that i use as an excuse for my lameness.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to unconditionally support myself effectively without excuses of the mind because i am in all effectiveness here as all that is me.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live a ssecret life behind this in where i excuse myself for not being effective through denieing myself my own effectiveness.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not rbeathe in all effectiveness that is here as the breathe as all that is me.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to self abuse me in this way by not stopping in all ways for myself.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

follow up on comment

what i saw in my family members as i began realizing in their behavior as they continued throughout the days as i allowed myself to observe what it was that they accepted and allowed was the same things being played out. ill start with my uncle. as i express myself i realized that my uncle and i held a relationship that consisted of conversation in specific to a polarity in which i would contribute in where i saw myself as "less than" him. i looked "up" to him and to an extent he treated me as an equal in terms of what he accepted and allowed in and as his life. well i began to realize that my uncle expects out of our relationship towards each other in seperation of ourselves and as i didnt accept or allow this he continously kept coming unto my presence out of looking for "something". i notticed this right away the first time when i visited my grandmothers house and i went up to him slowly, confidently and i looked him in his eyes and i saw resistance and so i smiled and i reached my hand out for him and grabbed him and hugged him and i wanted no more, i walked away. well i have seen my uncle change his way of being as well as many others in my family. as for my uncle i see that he bis actually being influenced by me without actually wanting to see this or show it for that matter and that he sees himself as one of the "guys" but the guys being lower and less than the "girls" which are his older sisters in a way. and so i see a history between this family and what is and has been going on as what has been accepted and allowed as the family relationship.
in the moment i see what is accepted and allowed as whats here with my family in terms of what is going on and how im influencing and directing the moment as what is being accepted and allowed. to an extent i see that these beings with this formed relationship attempt to allow "respect" for one another but that it is coming to conflict because they are not allowing themselves to let go of preexsisting concepts and believes about themselves as what currently they are as their acceptances and allowances so for everyone its still quite there. as for myself i express in the moment as i am and i witness alot of acceptances and allowances as they happen and sometimes i see that when people dont fall into their image as i embrace them as they are that they begin to allow themselbves to feel very uncomfortable and seek accept through me.
my aunt is older than my uncle. my aunt has changed some what from the perspective that she does not act and react as i once saw her as. im not exactly sure of this is because of the fact that my starting point has changed with them or simply because she has let go of believes that defined her in a certain way but what is clear is what she accepts and allows in the moment as i see it here. what i saw with my aunt was that she covers up insecurities by exposing others to appear less than who she is. i did assume while she was over that she surely was doing, playing this out when the shower turned hotter than usual and i blamed her in my mind. so i can see that this is something that i accept and allow in my life as well. i was bothered by it in the moment until i realized that it was in fact just my opinion about who she is and so i stopped and took a look at this as myself. i no longer want to assume and create and not take self resposability for all that is me in terms of what i accept and allow as that which is exsistance as i am. this is just unnacceptable. well i enjoyed sharing me with my aunt.
to be continued...

writings of the self

i spent alot of yesterday at home but i did go out with my family. i went out with my mother and my sisters. we talked as i enjoy talking with my sisters and also with my mother but my mother mostly usually doesnt want to hear what i have to say. she attacks me with her own opinions on life and whatnot. as for my sisters they can be very open minded and ask many questions but the older one keep repeating the same time loops and enjoys this. yesterday i expressed myself to her in the way of my experiance and how i honestly see everything that has been going on through my own eyes not expecting out of her and later on she revealed to me that she didnt care in the moment of my expression as she didnt take into consideration what i had said. im making sure not to blame her or treat her any different than as my equal still and also taking into consideration any reactions that i will/might have towards her. as for my younger sister she enjoys the moment alot and i enjoy her self expression. shes very active and enjoys being creative and i have assisted her alot i feel. anger for her is something that is shared among the family. my mother is changing or attempting to change but shes changing to the design of her opinion. as i laid down yesterday, i breathed solely and let go of everything and i realized that i must focus on self as for my mother she must to i cannot force her to do anything or be anything. honestly i must continue to realize self as nothing of being external and outside of me and be here as me even as i sometimes may not want to.

Sunday, July 12, 2009

writings of the self

i have been out all day today with the family. it was very interesting to be with them, walking with them and notticing stuff that i dont know if i just never realized before or if its that they are different somehow. we went to an amusement park located near a lake and i enjoyed being there. there was much people at the lake and i was finding myself looking for something in others, in particular girls. i could not help myself but to look at all girls bodys and also to get their attention and the thought of energy transfer came to mind but i didnt dwell on it for long. this happened for a while but i grew tired of this and i began to do the four count breathe and i was here. it changed as i was here because then it was me directing self and i was just observing everything and everyone as it happened and i also felt relaxed, calm and here as i am. much things im realizing about the members of my family that i hadnt taken into account for also for the reason that i had almost never shared myself with them for a long time since i was alot younger. i enjoyed being with them as well. i have been coming aware that all thoughts are just judgement charges as the mind, and i also wondered if this was just my mind as it is or all minds as they are. this also makes me stop under all circumstances of the allowing of myself to not be here as the breathe because as i see it, it is a limitation that i would rather not allow.

Friday, July 10, 2009

writings of the self

throughout my day today i have been going through myself and looking at stuff as im accepting and allowing myself. im going to bring my journal with me to places that im off to because it will help me assist me when im finding myself thinking but unaware or unwilling to look at what is directly here as when im doing this. because if self honesty is to be applied effectively i must allow myself to actually stand within all of me as i am. im finding myself talking to my family from my starting point being here especially in regards to my mother with nothing particularly coming from anything outside of me but just speaking me in self expression and randomly. before, and im talking about not quite too long ago i judged myself to an extent where i was unable to step out of my bubble world as i had created it. i did not enjoy this at all because it involved alot of judgement in particular it affected my self expression and i was afraid that i would be wrong in all ways and not "correct" enough with myself to get my "point" across to people. this has been corrected by myself and through my self expression in the moment i realize all that i was accepting and allowing and living in polarity of and how i viewed myself as this image of the "good" and of the "bad". in particular the good consisted of wanting to see myself as this great hero practicing self honesty by speaking about it and allowing people to see that i was "different". the bad side was when i was feeling very guilty for myself for what i was accepting and allowing knowing that i was creating this polarity in the moment that i was accepting and allowing this and how also i would be seen for this. in the moment im allowing myself to breathe here and express to an extent but i know that i can apply myself more effectively by breathing more consistantly, i could speed up "process", and so i find myself applying at my own pace.